Topics: Slime, Running, Femininity and the Tree of Life

Hello everyone! I have not written for a while, so I have all kinds of thoughts to share. I broke them down into these categories, so that my thoughts would be a bit more organized...

Slime:

Thursday of this week, Kristopher, Jeff, Emily, Aaron, and I went to Hope Faith and were sent with a crew to clean up trash from under a bridge in the city. We were warned not to pick up any areas that looked like there were people living/sleeping there. This bridge is a popular place for the homeless to sleep. When we got to the bridge, there was trash all over the place- old socks, liquor cans, water bottles, and there was even human excrement sporadically around the cement. We grabbed our gloves and started bagging. We filled two trucks full of trash bags by the end of the couple hours we were there. 

At one point, I watched Jeff and Aaron lift up a mat that was soaked  and dripping with mud, water, urine, and other things and stuff it into a bag. It smelled absolutely terrible on that part of the bridge. Emily and I actually unintentionally gagged because of the smell. 

But the experience was extremely impacting. The day before, we read Zechariah 3, which talks about God taking off Joshua's filthy clothes and giving him new, clean robes, and a priestly turban. This bridge- the smell and slime- were a picture to me of how God views sin. But God does not leave us in that spot, he willingly steps into that area to rescue his Beloved people. And he keeps coming back for us. It's not a one time thing. We choose into his cleaning, his sanctification. 

After being in that area, I wanted nothing more than to smell pleasant things, and to get as far from there as possible. Similarly, I had a renewed desire to live in God's righteousness- away from the stench of sin, so that I may be a pleasing and fragrant offering to my Heavenly Father.

Running

I've tried running before... It has never gone very well. I had never run more than 2 miles in my entire life, and I was constantly pushing myself to run longer and faster. But usually around 1.5 miles, I hit a wall. I finished feeling, sick, tired, and disappointed with myself.

But when this summer started, I didn't have a choice. Part of the internship is a running challenge. We have to be able to run/walk 5 miles by the end of the summer, and have checkpoint challenges every 2 weeks. My first run out, I remembered something Jean had once said: We are always plugged into a power source, and if that power source is not God's Kingdom of Life, there is only one other power source- the Kingdom of Darkness. So I asked God to keep me "plugged in" to his power. And the first run was successful. I even kind of liked it. I was no longer driven by negative thoughts, I was spurred on by the encouragement of the Holy Spirit. 

Yesterday was our 3 mile checkpoint challenge. I ran the whole thing, and for the first time experienced running as a way to worship. It was a constant dialogue with God, a constant humbling. I knew that I did not, in myself, have the strength to run 3 miles. I'd tried. But by the strength, encouragement, and power of the Holy Spirit, I crossed the finished line knowing even more the goodness of God. Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! He Is Good!

Femininity:

I have been learning so much about femininity this summer. Spending most of my days with 8 guys and 2-4 other girls, God seems to be dealing with some of the issues that I can usually avoid. I had hoped that by helping lead the Captivating study, I knew everything I needed to know about femininity. If I could sum up my   personal knowledge that I came out of the Captivating study with into four easy reminders they would be: 1) Don't be controlling. 2). Stop mothering the men around you. 3). Remember that you're beautiful and romanced by God. 4). Bring life and be inviting and at rest. 

See? Easy cheesy, right? Apparently not. By last weekend, I was wanting to control plan, give my advice and control (mother) the guys around me, I did not feel at all beautiful, and was not very inviting or life-giving. I couldn't force myself to get out of that spot. I was very frustrated. And I couldn't get away from the guys! I even began internally blaming them for my mood. This went on all weekend... (to be continued in the following section.)

The Tree of Life:

On Monday, we had our teaching with Jean and Ryan. Ryan talked about Genesis 3- about the distinction between the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. There was SO MUCH to take from that teaching, but one of the main things that God spoke to me was how important it was to seek after God's Life- not right and wrong. I had been striving to be a "good Christian woman." I wanted to do all the right things. Ironically, I longed to bring life to people, without intentionally seeking after God's life first. That is not going to work!

So God continued to speak to me in  prayer time the next day about this theme, and I got a picture of a heart that had flowers growing all over it. As life was springing up in the heart, it was becoming more and more beautiful, and people were draw to it. Ah ha! Beauty and inviting nature does not coming by seeking after inner beauty, or striving to be more inviting- it is a natural by-product of being full of God's life. 

My goodness. I am learning so much. Thank you for reading, and for all of your prayers! 

Here are some prayer requests:

- More revelation and life from God to be given to me and the other interns.

- For the love of God to fill us more, and that that love would be poured out on those we are serving.

- For strength as we prepare for our 4-mile challenge

- For a strengthening of the community we share.

- For God to seal the work he's doing in each of us, so that when we return to Central, we would be vessels of his life in that community.  

Humility, Creativity, and Rest

On Sunday afternoon, four other interns and I began a study on how God uses our creativity to bless us, bless him, and bless those around us. We were all asked to think about areas of creativity that we want to dig deeper into and grow in. We talked about how God meets us in our creativity, and shares his creative mind and abilities with us, so that we can be co-creators in his Kingdom.

Immediately, I wanted my clarinet. Now, I haven't really longed to play my clarinet since high school, but as I started remember the ways I had experienced God (my junior year of high school especially) in music, I began that God must have more planned for me in ensemble music. What other sensible reason is there that I would complete two instrumental conducting classes? So stay tuned... ;-) I think God's got something planned there.

I also realized how much God fills me when I draw, paint, sing, play guitar, or play piano. I love creating with God. I am really excited to see how God grows this passion (and hopefully ability) in me this summer.

Monday we spent the morning at the International House of Prayer, because our service project was canceled. Then we spent the afternoon in teachings on Functional Reality (Hebrew worldview) and the Process of Spiritual Formation. We talked about how being conformed (or sanctified) is a process that is God's job. We talked about how to position ourselves to choose into and receive his work in our lives.

Then, last night, I got a migraine. My migraines have been a bit worse since I've been down in Kansas City. A couple people offered to pray for me, then I took medicine, and laid down. I was hoping that a good night's sleep would help chase away the migraine, but this morning I woke up, and the migraine was actually worse. My dear friend, and roommate, Kari, lovingly told me that I didn't have to go serve at Hope Faith, that I ought to stay home and rest and feel better. But being the stubborn person that I am, I got dressed and tried to force myself to feel better so that I could go serve. That did not turn out very well.

After a few minutes, I ended up back on the bed crying- frustrated, in pain, and feeling like I was a disappointment. I was afraid others would think I was lazy and I felt like God was disappointed that I wasn't trusting him enough to heal me. Again, Kari spoke truth over me and prayed, telling me that maybe God wanted me to rest and allow him to pour into me. I begrudgingly agreed to stay in bed.

I began to realize at that point how much I try to earn God's love. When I couldn't do for God, I thought he was disappointed. After a few more hours of sleep, and hearing wisdom and encouragement from a couple people, I spent the afternoon in prayer... and I wrote a song. (Yay Jesus for working through creativity!)

Here is the song- it is basically a summary of my day today:

Just Be


I'm crying out
From the depths of my soul
Master, what can I do for you?
I am not worthy
I have to do something
Tell me what to do
Then I'll take control.

Chorus


You say, "Just be"
You say, "Just be."
Let me lavish my love on you.
You say, "Just be"
You say, "Just be"
Rest, and I will make you new.
I am your Father
You are my daughter.
Just be.
Just be.
Let me delight in you.

Bridge


When you're tired and when you're weary
That's when you know you're near me.
For in your weaknesses I am strong.


My prayer for you today is that you realize the love God has for you when you are at rest- not because of your accomplishments, or your quiet times, or your worship, or because you did a pretty good job of not sinning today... but because you are a son or daughter of the King of Love.

Prayer Requests:
- Revelation of God's love
- Ceasing of migraines, and that I would be humble enough to rest when I do have them.
- One of the staff is starting a prayer room at Hope Faith tomorrow: for wisdom and discernment for how to pray for the homeless, for God's love to pour through her and us as we are in there with her, and for God to give peace to these men and women.

Just Be

This first full week has been filled with many blessings and numerous learning experiences...

Monday we went to Ryan's house for a day full of teachings. In 6 hours we had learned the history of God from before time to the time of Alexander the Great. After an hour and a half break, we spent 2 hours learning about poverty. 

Here is the most condensed version I can come up with of the first teaching :-) (Please feel free to skip this part, it is more a memory check for me than an explanation of what I learned)

God/Trinity/Perfect love- Creation. God is love. Fall. Flood. Patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac, Jacob). God is love. Joseph. Egyptian slavery. Moses. Plagues. Exodus. Directions given by God. God is love. Wilderness/ Training. Promised Land. Order for purification of the land. God is love.  God as King. Lead also by judges. Asked for a human king. Saul. David. Solomon. Split of the northern and southern tribes. (Prophets) God is love.  Assyrian destruction of Israel in 722 BC. (Prophets) Babylonian destruction of the Jerusalem temple in 589 BC. Exile to Babylon. Invasion by Persia. Slowly returned to Jerusalem. God is love. Rebuilt temple. Rebuilt the wall around the temple. Time where there were no more prophets. Hellenization. Roman occupation. Maccabean Revolt. God is love.

(If you tuned out... you can re-enter here)

That above history is so important. It is God's story. But for me, I took so much more out of the teaching than facts. We talked about God's character, and how he related to the people in love, in holiness, in faithfulness, by preparing them, and going with them. I so desire to live with a realization that God still relates in those same ways with us. 

After that teaching, we learned about poverty. In the interest of time, I will talk about that in a later blog post. But it was a very eye-opening teaching.

The last few days, I have been focusing on abiding in the presence of God. Whether that be in cutting bell peppers, handing out food, folding/sorting clothing, spending hours at the Prayer Room, running, or having conversations with those around me, I am asking God that he will give me grace to be with Him in every moment. I often get into a mindset of over-analyzing, and trying to figure out the "right" thing to do. But I don't believe that is the calling of God. He wants us to seek him, and he will lead us down the path of LIFE! It is not up to me to figure out the right thing to do all the time. 

It is up to me to come humbly before my loving Father, and just be with him- trusting that he is loving enough to correct me, he is powerful enough to change me, and he is sovereign enough to get me where he wants me without me planning it out in advance. So for now, my prayer is this: 

Father, give me grace, and silence my racing mind so that I can be blessed by just being in your presence. I pray that that would be glorifying to you, and would produce an outpouring of your love on those I am around.  

Prayer Requests:

- That I would be able to stay present where I am and not worry about the future.

- That my eyes and heart would be opened to those I am serving and working with at Hope Faith.

- That I would continue to choose in to abiding in God's presence.

- That I would feel rested and renewed for every day.

- That God would be glorified in my every moment this summer.

Thank you for your prayers :-) 

Come Away with Me, my beloved.

After a night of unpacking, filling out paperwork, and getting information about the summer, the other interns and I spent our first night in our summer homes. 

The following day, we arrived early at Ryan's house for a day of silence and solitude. We were given instructions to go anywhere we wanted (within walking distance) and spend the day with God. No Ipods, no talking, no singing. 

It amazes me looking back that for a person who was so excited to spend time alone, quiet, and resting before God, I sure did most of the talking, thinking, and decision making. 

But God is so amazingly faithful, that even in my silent busyness, I encountered him in many ways. I spent the first hour or so thanking him for the beauty around me, for the people in my life, and for his character and patience. I spent the rest of time alternating between journaling, reading my Bible, and reading two articles (Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence and No Greater Love by Mother Theresa). 

I went on a few walks- one of which was particularly noteworthy. My mind was beginning to condemn- beginning to compare myself to the authors of these books, and seeing not an opportunity to love God more, but a mountain I had to work and struggle to climb. So I took a walk. After a while, I found myself in an open field, where I eyed what I thought were just some ugly weeds far from far away, but was drawn to get closer. As I approached these plants, I realized- they were wild daisies. My favorite flower :-) Some people may not be overly impressed by this "coincidence," but this moment almost brought me to tears. The romance of the Lord. He got me flowers :-)

The rest of the day was filled with peace, deeper desire for God, and a pull to return to my first love. I was reminded that we serve because we love God. We live because we love God. We practice spiritual disciplines because we love God. We live before an audience of One, and he is delighted by our glance. 

This morning, I was given the opportunity to serve at Hope Faith for the first time. They are a homeless day shelter that provides meals, clothes, and services for the poor and homeless in Kansas City. I am so excited for the opportunities I will have to get to know the people this summer, and I know that I will be grown in service and I pray that I will grow deeper in love with God through the people at Hope Faith.

Prayer Requests:

- For God to continue to romance my heart and draw me deeper into his presence, that I would be aware of Him at all times.

- That I would live out of love, not out of striving.

- That I would learn to truly value the delight of God over the approval of man.

- That God would increase my desire for service. 

He will never let you down; He will never let you go

For those of you who don't know, these past few weeks have been full of ups and downs...

I completed my sophomore year of college! 

I said good-bye for now to a dear friend and roommate of two years, as she follows God into the next new and exciting phase of her life.

I welcomed home another beloved roommate from her study abroad time in London.

I visited with and eventually said good-bye to my Grandma (Darlene) Eunie. She died to this life Friday morning after a long period spent in Hospice.

Over the weekend, I attended a wedding and my brother's high school graduation, visited a newborn baby, was blessed in conversation with a wonderful mentor and woman, and rejoiced with those around me over the faithfulness and love of God.

Monday night was my grandma's visitation, and this morning was her funeral. I grasped on to the promise of that same faithfulness and love of God through tears, good-byes, and time with family.

Tomorrow morning, I leave for Kansas City. I leave full of hope mixed with anxieties- after a weekend of tears and rejoicing- knowing that God's character is unchanging. That he is present in joy and sorrow. I know the promise that my Beloved, my Father, my Strong Tower and Protector, will never let me down and He will never let me go. I remember those words spoken at my baptism, and other repeated promises.

 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Lord, you have searched me and you know me... You know my thoughts even when I am far away."

"I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."

God is good. Always. He is present. Always. He hears my prayers. Always. He is faithful. Always. He loves. Always. God is good.

So I leave with this verse in mind- one that was read at my grandma's funeral earlier today. A verse that has been one of my favorites for a long time.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. Finally dear brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things."

Philippians 4:4-8

Take My Heart

Tomorrow I will move out of room 236 and officially complete my second year at Central College.
This semester, I have been blessed in many ways. I grew deeper in relationships with the amazing men and women around me. I was blessed to be able to lead Bible studies, and a book study with my dear roommate, Chelsea. I learned more about God's heart for me, and during that process I was invited to jump off some ledges, trusting that God would catch me, and I would end up in a beautiful new place. God is faithful. And I have grown in Him because of those risks.

I'm not by nature a risk taking person. I probably enjoy being comfortable even more than the average person. I don't like to travel; I didn't to leave my house for a week in the summer even to go to camp into high school. I don't like uncertainty, and I would much prefer the assurance of safety than the possibility of adventure.

But I've learned that God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He doesn't call us to make decisions out of fear. He doesn't want me to analyze things all the time. He wants me to love him, and follow his lead. And he promises he will be with me through every step.

This summer is another step outside of my comfort zone. I have always been a bit scared of big cities, and I've never spent any time in a diverse neighborhood. But every time I have stepped out in faith to uncertainty before, God has blessed me with even more of his strength. So I step into this new journey with expectation that God will do huge things. With expectations that God will cause me to fall deeper in love with him. And with an expectation that He will lavish his love on me as I step into uncertainty.

Take My Heart- by Misty Edwards

"For a long time, I have waited for you.
You have won my heart, and I am following.
For a long time, I've been crying out for you.
Tears make my heart soft, I am ready for the return of the Lover.

Fashioned from the very fabric of God.
At the start of time set free to decide.
I will love you.
You're the one who loved me first.
Just one look from your eye
I'm captivated by the eyes of the Lover.

So take my heart, my mind and strength too.
I was made for loving you.
So I will wait, and I'll be faithful.
I was made for loving you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHvHPxX_-fw

Blessings!

This blog is a space for me to share with all of you what God is doing in and through me. This summer, I'm going to Kansas City for an internship with Ascent Ministries. I will be working with and building relationships with the urban poor, growing in prayer, and falling more in love with my Heavenly Father. I pray that you will be blessed by these thoughts and stories.

Psalm 139: 1-7

O Lord, you have examined my heart.

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do. 

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessings on my head.

Such knowledge is to wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!

I can never get away from your presence.