Since the beginning of the summer, I feel like I have have been learning new things multiple times a day, and processing what God is trying to teach me or heal in me with every spare moment. And I was so eager for that at the beginning. It seemed for awhile as if I had a never-ending supply of energy and excitement for processing, consuming information, and pressing in to God. However, a couple of weeks ago, I hit my first wall. I was physically exhausted, tired of processing, and just wanted time alone- not thinking about anything.
I spent time at Hope Faith, organizing miscellaneous computer parts dating back to the mid-90's, throwing away broken things in a giant cluttered warehouse, and moving things from place to place, and to be honest, I didn't have the best attitude about it. I wanted badly to abide in Jesus, but I felt like I wasn't doing that very well.
We had some really cool experiences during this time too. The interns had some amazing group times of prayer- during one of which we actually experienced God's healing power in prayer for one of the interns. We had a successful 4-mile run, and an afternoon at the beach on the 4th of July. And though I experienced the real joy of God in those moments, I quickly fell back into physical and emotional fatigue.
Fortunately, God is full of grace for me. Because this past weekend, I was able to spend time with a wonderful roommate, and some dearly loved friends from high school, and an amazing, hospitable aunt. I was given a bit of space and much needed rest. I re-entered this week feeling more peaceful and joyful, but still felt guilty for my attitude the during previous week.
As I sat down at the prayer room today, I was greeted by the presence, peace, joy, and grace of my Beloved God. As I asked him for more of his presence, he spoke to me in ways that were unique to me. He reminded me that he knows me inside and out and adores what he sees there. He does not just love me because he has to- he specifically created me so that he could love me. And he doesn't just love the parts of me that I understand, or that are "cleaned up" or even just the parts that are useful. He loves my quirks. He loves my love of old people. He loves my sense of humor. He puts those things in me, and he delights in them! What a good reminder! God's first response to me is love- not correction or disappointment. When he looks at me he sees Jesus, and he sees the perfected version of the daughter he created. He knows me intimately and delights over his design.
I was led to Psalm 139 and spent time meditating on that. I wanted to share some of that meditation time and I pray that it will be a blessing to you as well:
1 "O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me."
- You intimately search me heart, then you place your hand on my heart and pull me forward- towards you. You use my unique heart to pull me to you. You proclaim my heart as good and beautiful and special- for you have every inch of it clean.
2 "You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away."
- Even when I don't remember your presence, even when I am not abiding in you, you are always away of me. You watch me because you love me. Even when my thoughts are far from you- your loving thoughts are always around me.
5 "You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head."
- You beckon me forward into the unknown with the promise of your goodness to assure me. You follow me from behind so that I am protected, and so that if I get scared and turn to run away, I still end up in your arms.
7 "I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence."
- Your Spirit, though mysterious, is inside me. It is all around me. It is with me at Hope Faith, at home, at school, with friends, when I am alone- everywhere. Your spirit and your presence never leave me.
13 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb."
- You formed me exactly as I am. You gave me blonde hair and blue eyes because you know that it would match my heart to bring your beauty. Your breath continues every moment to sustain my heart, my blood, my mind. Your breath makes me able to move. You have watched with delight as I have frown and matured because you delight in how you formed me.
14 "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it."
- You have made me so complex that I often don't even understand myself! But you created me complex and delight in all of my facts- even the ones I don't understand or seem messy.
16 "Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before one of them had come to pass."
- You know every day of my past, and you know every moment of my future. So I have no need to fear.You will be just as present in the days to come. You will always be faithful and you will always be near.
17 "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They cannot be numbered. I can't even count them! They outnumber the grains of sand."
It boggles my mind that the God of the universe would take the time to uniquely create me, and that I am so important to him that he continues to will me to exist. Even now as I breathe in and breathe out, it is only possible because God gave me that breath! As I look forward to the coming weeks, I am no longer overwhelmed by feeling a need to "process" things, or perfectly abide, or feel guilty about the things I'm not doing well...
I just want to spend time with this God that loves me so well- this God who pursues me and is thinking about me in this very moment. And I want to learn to love him more!
Prayer requests:
- That this lesson and peace God has given me would be sealed in my heart, and that I would be reminded of God's presence.
- For the rest of the interns and me as we are feeling quite tired this week.
- For our upcoming Colorado trip- good weather, no migraines, no injuries, encounters with God, and blessed time in community.
- For our continued work at Hope Faith (and the other intern's work at Kansas City Urban Youth) that we could shine Christ's love in a way that is genuine and inviting.
No comments:
Post a Comment