No, but really... Let Go.

For those of you who don't know, I am spending this summer in Pella at my aunt's house with my good friend, Justine Jackovich. After a series of events, I decided to spend my summer here working with an organization called Home Instead that sends Care-takers into elderly people's home for companionship, cleaning, grocery shopping, or various other tasks. I'm also working several nights a week at Central College's dining service place.

My first week in Pella, I was here with only my aunt, because my uncle and cousin were both in China. After a busy year filled with big papers, projects, and hard things that produced lots of inner healing, my first week here was a shock. For the first time in what felt like years, I had time and space to myself. There was no one telling me what to do. No project I "should" be doing. No work scheduled for the first couple days. It was freeing! I spent time painting, reading, taking long walks, praying. I felt God showering his love on me, and after the semester I'd had. I was in desperate need of that downpour.

However, about day 3, my outlook started shifting. I was expecting to work 30-40 hours a week, and was planning on a firm schedule. After a couple e-mails, and a few days I had the realization that that probably was not going to happen... and I began to panic. How in the world was I supposed to take care of myself if I couldn't guarantee that I was going to get hours and make money? I felt extremely irresponsible. And I was at a loss for how to spend my days...

I had cleverly convinced myself that I had released my summer to God. That he was in control, and I was going to allow him to guide the summer. However, in that first week, it became clear that that was just not the case.

I had a couple conversations with my aunt where she wisely spoke, "Maybe God is trying to tell you, 'No, but I meant, REALLY, let go of control."

So one day, I went on a long walk. I told God just what I was feeling, which probably went something like, "God, I know that you want me to release control, and I want to do that too, but... I need to make money. I don't like not having a plan. It's irresponsible of me to not be doing something productive with my time! How in the world do you expect me to BE OK, if I don't know what's going to happen!?"

And then quietly, God said, "Let's look at some of the stories in the Bible, and see what I require of my people."
He led me through the story of Adam, Noah, Moses, and Abraham. Not one of those characters did what to the world would seem responsible. Adam did not provide anything for himself- God provided it for him. Noah spent time that he could have been working to provide for his family, building a boat. Moses left the life of royalty to go out in the desert, and the God called him back to a land and a people who could have had him killed for murder. Abraham up and left Haran, a place he had a life and family, because God made him a promise.

After walking me through those stories, God posed me the question again and then answered it himself. What do I require of my people? Love and Obedience.

If I love God and follow his leading, he will take care of me. He will provide what I need. And the part that I'm still working on is that I may not know how he's going to provide until the moment that it happens. But it will happen.

So this summer, I'm learning to daily give up my agenda for his. I'm learning to pick up just the manna for that day, and not try to store up manna for the whole week.And I'm learning to love God more fully without the promise that he's going to show me what he's going to do.
... It's gunna be fun! ;-)

And I'm sure that before the summer is over, I'll get a few more of those moments where God says, "No, but really... let go."